Month: January 2013

For those of you that follow our monthly writings, thank you. Your readership means a lot to me. As you know, each month we have been talking about how we use the interview process to develop a landscape. It takes time and purposeful questions, but by starting off right, we end right. Life is like that. In fact, I am often amazed by how much we are like our gardens.

As a landscaper, it has been my privilege to build relationships with our clients and their families. Over the course of a project, I am blessed to become a friend, at times a counselor or an encourager, and in some cases even “Uncle Arthur” to the children. That is how I come to you today, not as a professional, but as a friend. We will not talk about the gardens we plant, but rather the “garden of our soul.” I will be sharing my faith with you, the beliefs that guide my life.

Like a garden, our souls need tending. We can get weeds (attitudes), need pruning (character development) and we all like water and fertilizer (love and encouragement). Today I want to talk about a weed that can devastate our relationships, be it spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, neighbor to neighbor, or co-worker to co-worker. In agricultural terms, it would be classified as a “noxious weed,” which means that it is so incredibly invasive and hard to control that it must be eradicated at all cost. It is a weed that if left unchecked could ruin the whole crop. One of the most “noxious soul weeds” is the weed of resentment.

Resentment has one face, but can be sown into our soul through many means because the “seed” is a personal offense. Someone has offended me in speech or action. It could be someone close to me, like a family member or friend, or a co-worker or neighbor, but in one form or another “my rights” were violated. Something was taken that was not given, or injured and not made right. Sometimes people are not even aware that they have offended us. In other cases, the wound is inflicted more purposefully. Either way, we can seek to “pull the weed” or let it spread. In medical terms, we can “treat the wound,” or let it fester. A festering wound is the soil in which resentment becomes a noxious weed.

Webster offers several definitions to describe resentment, including, “exhibiting intense animosity” and “rawness.” If these deeply intense feelings were physical weights on one’s shoulders, it would be like trying to carry 10 pieces of fully packed luggage on our backs, under our arms and for the whole of our life! How inhibiting, and emotionally exhausting that would be, and we definitely would be rubbed raw. At times we may even wonder how the situation got so out of hand. Well just like in gardening, to be inactive is to allow the weeds to be active. Unkindness breeds unkindness and resentment breeds resentment; bitterness breeds bitterness and hatred breeds hatred, and there is no end to it. It is a poison that runs deep and contaminates much beyond the borders of two people. It even affects “non- target relationships” (an agricultural term describing damage done outside the target area). In other words, our resentment hurts others not directly related to the situation, bringing more injury to ourselves and creating barriers to other meaningful relationships. If you are honest with yourself, you know this to be true. Resentment is always there, only a thought away. It makes us snappy, impatient, angry, and in general a pain to be around. We become a burden, instead of a burden lifter; our presence alone becomes a weight to others. Some of us learn to compartmentalize our hurts, and as long as we stay away from that person or thoughts of them, we do alright. At least that’s what we think. In reality, it’s like running a complex software program while working in another; it weighs down the overall performance of the computer. Our souls are no different, emotional energy is being expended.

As “unworthy” a person may be of forgiveness, to not forgive and contaminate or potentially ruin all that could bring you happiness, reward and enjoyment is not wise. Regardless of whether the offender has asked for forgiveness, forgive for your sake. Let the bitterness/resentment stay in the past, why bring it into the present? Allow the love of others to come into your soul, diluting the poison that still remains. Resentment/bitterness only keeps YOU captive, it is much better to engage in life again, for behind the bars of bitterness surely what flicker of life is left will soon go out, leaving only a darkened soul.

I know I’ve said a lot, and I can hear some of you say, “If only I could…” Some wounds that we carry are so deep that they seem impossible to release. I understand, so let me tell you a story that might help. It is a parable that Jesus told. The story involves a ruler and a servant, but it starts with a question from Peter regarding forgiveness. Peter asked Jesus “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Peter thought he was being generous.) Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” In other words, without number. To illustrate his answer, Jesus told this parable:

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents [millions of dollars] was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had to be sold to repay the debt [this was common practice]. The servant fell on his knees before him. Be patient with me, he begged, and I will pay back everything.”

Now, as a side note, the servant’s words are just words in a time of great difficulty. There was no way this servant would ever be able to pay back such an astronomical debt. He was obviously a servant with authority, one of position under the master, but he was a terrible steward of what he was entrusted with, undoubtedly spending the master’s money to his benefit. You might say he was a thief with royal protection, until now that his stewardship is brought into question. Yet, “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.”

If you’ve never heard the story before, I am sure the master’s response came as a surprise. You would also think that the servant who had been forgiven so much would be a changed man. Let’s see:

“But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [a few dollars in comparison]. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’” The servant refused. Instead, he had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

The servant’s hard-heartedness and incredible lack of mercy is incomprehensible. He could not find it in his heart to forgive a fellow servant, an equal; the greatness of his own pardon had not been valued. So when the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant, ’he said, ‘I canceled all your debt because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? In anger the master turned him over the jailers until he should pay back all he owed.” The servant’s lack of mercy came back to judge him, and found guilty, he will spend the rest of his days in jail.

So let’s ask some questions. In the story who is the master? The master is God. And who is the servant with the enormous debt? That is us. Finally, who is the other servant? That is our fellow man, whether a spouse, child, co-worker or friend. The point that Jesus was teaching was if God, who is Holy and Just, can see to forgive a repentant heart, who are we to not forgive one another. If the Greater forgives the lesser, should not the lesser forgive his or her equal? Indeed, which of us has not offended, which of us are so much better than the rest that we can stand as judge? As stated, who are we hurting by not forgiving? Only ourselves. How much better it is to forgive! How good it feels to forgive, to release the offense, and seek peace. It’s healing to our inner being, and to the fractured relationship—a fresh breath on life. Why would I want to keep all that poison inside? Would it not be to my betterment to “forgive my fellow servant?” For before a Holy God we all stand guilty. Not one of us is holy, just and without sin. We are all like the servant who owed much more than he could ever repay. Yet, God is willing to forgive us completely.

The Bible teaches that God is not only willing to forgive, but also that He forgets our sins when we confess them unto Him. He who would have every right to keep record does not. In Isaiah chapter 1 verse 18, God speaks tenderly to His people, saying, “Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red like crimson, they shall be as [white as] wool…” Amazing! The Creator God wanting to come to reason with His creation! Yet as incredible as it is, it is true. The divine mercy He offers is the key to us becoming a more merciful person. For once you experience the graciousness of God, His forgiveness and love for you, you understand how much mercy we all need. Giving the Gift that Heals begins with receiving it, and by receiving it and being changed by it, we in turn are able to extend it.

So let’s get the weed of resentment out of our souls and begin to live life. If you would like to personally know the LORD,and experience spiritual healing, I invite you to go to my website, executivecareinc.com; click on publications and scroll to December 2010 part II. I explain some very critical truths about starting a new life, a journey of a life time.

Thank you so much for spending your time with me. What better way to enjoy your landscape creations and one another, than to know the Creator of All. Have a wonderful Christmas, and if I can be of help do not hesitate to contact me at our website, or call. I will be at the Northern Cal Expo show in January, sharing a booth with Patio Perfections in the Landscapers building. I would love to meet you personally.

God bless- Arthur

For those of you who follow our monthly writings, thank you. Your readership means a lot to me. As you know, each month we have been talking about the challenges we face as landscapers in converting our client’s yard into something that is uniquely theirs and uniquely beautiful. It takes time, thought, questions, and creativity, but by not hurrying the process, the end result are the pictures that I have been pleased to show you. Life is like that. It takes time to raise a child, to be a good spouse, and to develop your skills at work. Also, it takes an act of one’s will to keep moving forward in life and not become trapped in negative emotions.

This year’s Christmas article was a personal challenge for me; not in writing it, but whether to write on a new topic, or because of all the responses from last year, to allow The Gift that Heals to run again. The topic of the article deals with the harder side of life, which is an area that is always difficult, and knowing several people who are right now dealing with this, my decision became clearer. So, allow this article to be like a “diagnostic test” for you to check the health of your soul, for this is one area that can cripple us and rob us of any joy or peace or love of life we might have. And I would prefer us to enjoy the holidays to the fullest and not be hindered. Also, I would invite you to read Part II of this article, Heaven’s Hope, Grace Unmeasured, by going to our website and clicking on publications. Scroll to December and click on Part II. I promise you it will be more than worth the read.

Now let’s get started. As a landscaper, it has been my privilege to build relationships with our clients and their families. Over the course of a project, I am blessed to become a friend, at times a counselor or an encourager, and in some cases even “Uncle Arthur” to the children. That is how I come to you today, not as a professional, but as a friend. We will not talk about the gardens we plant but rather the “garden of our soul.” I will be sharing my faith with you—the beliefs that guide my life.

Like a garden, our souls need tending. We can get weeds (attitudes), we need pruning (character development), and we all like water and fertilizer (love and encouragement). Today, I want to talk about a weed that can devastate our relationships, be it spouse-to-spouse, parent-to-child, friend-to-friend, neighbor-to-neighbor, or coworker-to- coworker. In agricultural terms, it would be classified as a “noxious weed,” which means that it is so incredibly invasive and hard to control that it must be eradicated at all cost. It is a weed that if left unchecked could ruin the whole crop. One of the most “noxious soul weeds” is the weed of resentment.

Resentment has one face, but it can be sown into our soul through many means. The “seed” is a personal offense—someone has offended me in speech or action. It could be someone close to me, like a family member or friend or a coworker or neighbor— but in one form or another “my rights” were violated. Something was taken that was not given or injured and not made right. Sometimes people are not even aware that they have offended us. In other cases, the wound is inflicted more purposefully. Either way, we can seek to “pull the weed” or let it spread. In medical terms, we can “treat the wound” or let it fester. A festering wound is the soil in which resentment becomes a noxious weed.

Webster offers several definitions to describe resentment, including, “exhibiting intense animosity” and “rawness.” If these deeply intense feelings were physical weights on one’s shoulders, it would be like trying to carry ten pieces of fully packed luggage on our backs and under our arms for the whole of our life! How inhibiting and emotionally exhausting that would be, and we definitely would be rubbed raw. At times, we may even wonder how the situation got so out of hand. Well, just like in gardening, to be inactive is to allow the weeds to be active. Unkindness breeds unkindness and resentment breeds resentment; bitterness breeds bitterness and hatred breeds hatred, and there is no end to it. It is a poison that runs deep and contaminates much beyond the borders of two people. It even affects “non-target relationships” (an agricultural term describing damage done outside the target area). In other words, our resentment hurts others not directly related to the situation, bringing more injury to ourselves and creating barriers to other meaningful relationships. If you are honest with yourself, you know this to be true. Resentment is always there, only a thought away. It makes us snappy, impatient, angry, and in general a pain to be around. We become a burden, instead of a burden lifter; our presence alone becomes a weight to others. Some of us learn to compartmentalize our hurts, and as long as we stay away from that person or from thoughts of them, we do alright. At least that’s what we think. In reality, it’s like running a complex software program while working in another; it weighs down the overall performance of the computer. Our souls are no different; emotional energy is being expended.

As “unworthy” a person may be of forgiveness, to not forgive and contaminate or potentially ruin other relationships that could bring you happiness and enjoyment is not wise. Regardless of whether the offender has asked for forgiveness, forgive for your sake. Let the bitterness and resentment stay in the past. Why bring it into the present? Allow the love of others to come into your soul, diluting the poison that still remains. Resentment and bitterness only keep YOU captive. It is much better to engage in life again, for behind the bars of bitterness, surely what flicker of life is left will soon go out, leaving only a darkened soul.

I know I’ve said a lot, and I can hear some of you say, “If only I could…” Some wounds which we carry are so deep, they seem impossible to release. I understand, so let me share with you a story that might help. It is a parable that Jesus told.

The story involves a ruler and a servant, but it starts with a question from Peter regarding forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35). Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Peter thought he was being generous.) Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” In other words, there is no limit.

To illustrate his answer, Jesus told this parable: “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents (millions of dollars) was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had to be sold to repay the debt (this was common practice). The servant fell on his knees before him. Be patient with me, he begged, and I will pay back everything.”

Now, as a side note, the servant’s words are just words in a time of great difficulty. There was no way this servant would ever be able to pay back such an astronomical debt. He was obviously a servant with authority, one of position under the master, but he was a terrible steward with what he was entrusted. Undoubtedly, he was spending the master’s money to his benefit. You might say he was a thief with royal protection until now that his stewardship is brought into question. Yet, “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.”

If you’ve never heard the story before, I am sure the master’s response came as a surprise. You would also think that the servant who had been forgiven so much would be a changed man. Let’s see: “But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (a few dollars in comparison). He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’” The servant refused. Instead, he had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

The servant’s hard-heartedness and incredible lack of mercy is incomprehensible. He could not find it in his heart to forgive a fellow servant, an equal; the greatness of his own pardon had not been valued. So when the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything. Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said. “I canceled all your debt because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” In anger the master turned him over the jailers until he should pay back all he owed. The servant’s lack of mercy came back to judge him, and found guilty, he will spend the rest of his days in jail.

So let’s ask some questions. In the story, who is the master? The master is God. And who is the servant with the enormous debt? We are the servant. Finally, who is the other servant? He is our fellow man, whether a spouse, child, coworker or friend. The point that Jesus was teaching was if God, who is Holy and Just can see to forgive a repentant heart, who are we not to forgive one another. If the Greater forgives the lesser, should not the lesser forgive his or her equal? Indeed, which of us has not offended; which of us is so much better than the rest that we can stand as judge? As stated, who are we hurting by not forgiving? We are only hurting ourselves. How much better it is to forgive! How good it feels to forgive, to release the offense, and to seek peace. It’s healing to our inner being and to the fractured relationship—a fresh breath on life. Why would I want to keep all that poison inside? Would it not be to my betterment to “forgive my fellow servant”? For before a Holy God, we all stand guilty. Not one of us is holy, just, and without sin. We are all like the servant who owed much more than he could ever repay. Yet, God is willing to forgive us completely.

The Bible teaches that God is not only willing to forgive, but also that He forgets our sins when we confess them unto Him. He who would have every right to keep record does not. In Isaiah, Chapter 1, Verse 18, God speaks tenderly to His people saying, “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as (white as) wool…” Amazing! The Creator God wants to come to reason with His creation! Yet, as incredible as that is, it is true. The divine mercy He offers is the key to us becoming a more merciful person. For once you experience the graciousness of God and His forgiveness and love for you, you understand how much grace we all need. Giving The Gift that Heals begins with receiving it, and by receiving it and being changed by it, we in turn are able to extend it. So let’s get the weed of resentment out of our souls and begin to live life.

During this Christmas season, instead of discussing landscaping, I am excited to have the opportunity to talk with you about The Giving Of Grace and how it relates to the person inside of us, our Soul, who makes us who we are. The Giving of Grace is so important, yet so neglected, in the hurried lives we live.

In our lives, we fulfill many roles: parent, spouse, manager, fellow employee, neighbor, etc. What defines us is the way we respond to these roles. We are constantly being observed and people get to know us via this medium. We touch lives every day and develop relationships that we value. It is so important that these relationships are positive in nature. However, as you are well aware, conflict is an unfortunate reality. But what causes conflict? Is there a way we can minimize it?

Part of the answer lies in the way we perceive the world around us. We all look at life through an internal lens. That lens has been shaped by our unique personalities, by the way we were raised, and by other significant life experiences. Perhaps you are naturally outgoing, or perhaps you are shy. Maybe your relationship with your parents was healthy, or maybe it was hurtful. You may have been blessed by many good things, or it may seem like your life is full of trials. These things all influence the way you see and interpret events. The same is true of your children, your spouse, your boss and your neighbor, who have each been influenced by personality, upbringing and major life events. This is why two people can hear the same conversation or share a situation and view it completely differently. What is viewed positively by one person may feel entirely negative to another. This is one of the things that causes conflicts, and it is one of reasons why we need to give one another grace.

But what is grace? It’s not a word we use very often, except in reference to prayer before a meal. Is this the grace I mean? No, the grace I am talking about is relational. It acts as a bridge, connecting and reconnecting people. If you are a student of the Scriptures, you know that grace is a word often used to describe God’s dealings with us – a love unmerited and unfortunately oftentimes not appreciated. God grants grace to connect us to Him. To show you what I mean, I am going to use some real-life experiences as examples.

My first story begins with a breakfast I recently shared with my daughter, who is in her mid-twenties. Over the meal, we talked about her work as a manager in a women’s retail store. She was especially concerned about a particular employee, who was responsible for keeping the store neat, dusted and clean. The problem was that the employee wasn’t doing the work as well as it could be done, let alone to the standards of other local outlets of the same store. My daughter already had talked about the problem with her boss and the employee. But the discussion with the employee did not result in improvement. Now my daughter needed to decide what to do about the situation. Should she fire this young woman? It would be reasonable to do so because she was not doing the work she had been hired to do. Nonetheless, I suggested an alternative. Believing that there may be a language barrier, I asked would it possible for this employee to shadow her counterpart at another store. That way she could learn the expectations and routine visually. So instead of getting what she deserved, this young woman was given an unmerited gift—a kind of second chance. Is this grace?

Now let’s look at another very different example. I think we all know people who give to get. In other words, their “kindness” has a hook or expectations attached to it. When what they expect in return is not received, an argument ensues or some form of “discipline” is metered out. Taken to the extreme, conflicts like these can develop into very unhealthy, even toxic relationships. The truth is, to one extent or another, we are all guilty of giving to get. Although we don’t think of it this way, in our secret hearts we often expect a return on our giving. We may even judge the appropriateness of the return, determining whether we are receiving our fair share. Think about the phrase, “I will meet you half way.” If we do not perceive that the other person has come far enough, there is a fall out. Whether the half-way “deal” was a spoken or unspoken expectation, consciously asked for or unconsciously assumed, this kind of giving creates conflict every day between husband wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parent and child; in essence, in all our relationships. And why do we not “go all the way”? Why only half? Could this be an example of a need for grace?

Let’s examine this a bit more. Aside from the immediate conflict the give-to-get mentality poses,there are three other significant problems. The first is that the give-get equation seems to make sense. If I give to you, shouldn’t you want to give something back to me? After all, I’ve earned it. The second problem is that the giving is at times “announced” through words and/or deeds, but our expectation of receiving something in return oftentimes is hidden. For instance, if you make a special dinner for your husband on his birthday, you probably expect to be thanked for it. You might also expect some amount of praise for your effort. But when you serve him, you don’t say, “Here, my love, I have gone to a great deal of effort to make you this special dinner. Now your job is to show me how much you appreciate my effort by complimenting me on the dinner”. Now a compliment back makes sense, and more times than not your husband is thrilled. But what if very little is said? Maybe his favorite football team is playing, and he takes “your special dinner” to the T.V. room barely saying thank you as he rushes off? What will you do? Whatever action you take, know that it will be because you had an expectation that was not adequately met.

The third problem is that we often don’t realize that we expected something until we do not receive it. We often give believing that we have done so freely, without obligation to or from the receiver. Yet we are secretly disappointed, even upset, when our “free gift” doesn’t produce a return. I speak from personal experience; something that is now an embarrassment to me. In our earlier years of marriage (now married 34 yrs), I was this kind of man – a silent scorekeeper. I knew exactly what I had given, and when my unspoken expectations were not met, there was conflict. Sometimes I would say something, and sometimes the “conflict” was one of silence, where I would just disengage from the relationship (a pity party as I call it now). This response is all too common! Talk about needing grace! My daughter’s employee was facing a language barrier; I on the other hand had a heart barrier.

These two stories help us see the need for grace. Now let’s define it. Grace is an unmerited gift given to benefit another without expecting anything in return. My daughter, for instance, did not expect that the young lady who was not fired would “owe” her anything personally.

Now let me tell you what is amazing about grace, and this is very personal. Some of you will disagree, and that’s okay. We will always remain friends. Like you, I view life through an internal lens. And like you, that lens has been shaped by my personality, my upbringing and other significant life experiences. However, my greatest influence has been the study of the Scriptures (the Bible). It is said, if you want to be great, study great men. I can think of no other study greater than the revelations of God through His Scriptures. I am so grateful to the Lord for the way He is re-shaping me through this study. I now seek to live my life sharing the grace that I have been given. I do not have to keep score anymore. To know God’s grace for me is the greatest gift I can have, and being able to give it to others completes the circle and the purpose for my life. Grace relates to the person inside by completing us. We put a lot of “stuff” inside us to fulfill us, but ultimately, like new clothing becomes old and used, it wears off. If you would like to understand how to experience this grace and to truly know God, then go to my website and under publications read December Part II, Heaven’s Hope, Grace Unmeasured.