Who I Am

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

2 Corinthians 5:20-21

Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God.  For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (so very few of us believe and practice this truth).

This next story is very personal.  Everything that is shared is precious but the thing that moved mountains of insecurity from me (and built fortresses in their place) was learning about my true identity.  We all grow up with insecurities, many of us still struggle with them.  I believe the root for our insecurity comes from the fall of man.  We were designed with an innate need to be in relationship with the Lord.  When sin entered we became separated from God’s presence, became spiritually empty, and void of His presence.  This is a huge deficit because we are at the core, spiritual beings. We can have everything we want and still feel empty.

Most of our study will be in Ephesians but the first Truth we need to receive is forgiveness.  Great gifts of mercy and love amount to little if we have guilt in our inner being.  We never really truly “accept” the merciful gifts because our guilt continues to play the same old tape, “ if people only knew…”

I lived with guilt from the age of 8 to 45.  From 40 to 45 I slowly got better, until 45 when I truly became free.

I’ve shared my story how at 8 years of age my brothers and I were playing around an abandoned home that had an unknown well.  I stepped on the lid of the well, which was unsecured, so the lid gave way under my weight.  Fortunately or unfortunately I caught myself.  I told Rick, two years younger than me, to not step on it and then I told Bobby (5 yrs. old) that it was too dangerous for him and to go home; I then preceded to climb.

Bobby didn’t go home, instead he followed us and he didn’t hear me warn Rick.  He stepped on the lid, fell, and drowned.  I didn’t hear anything that would have caused me to turn around, and all I remember is getting off the roof and seeing the lid somewhat misplaced.  It never occurred to my 8 year old mind that Bobby had fallen in.  At dinner time Bobby wasn’t there.  That was the first time it occurred to me that Bobby could have fallen into the well.  By then it had been 3 hours and Bobby now was in heaven.  The hours that followed were so horrendous that I could not even process it.  We were all in shock.  I had never heard my parents nor my grandparents (we were living with them) cry as they did.  I can’t recall what exactly what Rick and I did.  Eventually we just went to our bedroom and eventually fell asleep.

I can recall my mom blaming me for Bobby’s death.  It took a while for the gravity of that statement to hit me and when it did I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Because of that statement I feel as though I have attended hundreds of funerals, and the sense of death has never really left me.  Through school and sports I could block the feeling out, but something could always trigger it.

We would drive by a cemetery, I would see a hearse, hear of a death and then my mom would take us to “see Bobby” (his grave) which helped a little.  After the crying we would always pray and thank God that Bobby was with Him.  My mom prayed, but dad never came, at least not with us.

In my mind the same thought would reoccur, “if only I had checked to see if he obeyed me none of this pain would have happened.”  Heaven was my only consolation, that Bobby was not dead, that he was waiting for us and having a great time while waiting.  Had it not been for that truth, I’m not sure how I would have dealt with the guilt.

As I matured I excelled in school, won many awards for scholastic achievements, even became Student Body President of my High School.  I was voted Teachers Choice three out of four years and for four years, most likely to succeed.  Yet with all this, the guilt that I lived with made the joy short lived.  The guilt was like a cancer that ate away at all my achievements and the good things that came my way because of them.  Much of my early adult life was like this, and becoming a dad of two girls was happy sad.

The thought of something similar happening to them made me hyper vigilant, always looking for the “camouflaged wells” that they could fall into.

I came to Christ as a teenager, so by the time we had the girls I had some knowledge of the scriptures.  I heard the teaching of forgiveness many times but could never get free of guilt.  I knew I was born again, that God had forgiven me for all my sins, but I could not forgive myself.  I didn’t know how. I sensed His presence, which was a huge comfort, but this incident was so deep inside of me I wasn’t sure if even God could reach it.

More Problems

As a young husband (23 yrs. old) with multiple fronts to deal with this issue got buried but would resurface.  It was something that I had no control over.  Work was tough, and marriage was tough. We argued a lot; our insecurities got the better of us.  In the back of my mind I questioned whether I could do this; raise these girls, be a husband, work my way up the ladder while dealing with bosses that reminded me of drill sergeants.  At times it felt as though the guilt became heavier, especially after our arguments. There was no rest, no escape, everywhere I turned there was tension, temptation, stress, or problems demanding solutions. The promise of God’s peace alluded me.  This went on for several years.

As a teenager I recalled going off into the woods at church camp, just me and my Bible and finding God’s peace.  I often returned to that and He met me.  My time with Him became my only retreat were I found peace, strength, encouragement and the hope of a better future.  I stayed steadfast to this time with Him, even reading in freezing temperatures as I ate my lunch outside.  It became my mini vacation, that half hour with my Bible, my blanket and His presence.  It was liked He stopped His day just to be with me.  Weekends I spent an hour, getting up before the family.  It was the one joy that I could count on.

I began to change.  With God in my court the burdens of life, though tough, were becoming doable.  I began to excel again, yet there were a few times the girls had near death experiences that set me back.  Jessica almost drowned and I lost it, scolding Amber for not watching her better.  Amber was 8.  Lisa had to come and settle me down and later I had to ask Amber for forgiveness.  As I continued in His Word I continued to get stronger and could deal better with my drill sergeant bosses and the with temptations.

From secretaries to apartment managers I seemed to be every woman’s target.  In starting my own landscape maintenance company I called on apartment complexes.  It didn’t matter what size, it seemed that everyone of them had a female manager and they were who I needed to see to give a bid, and who I reported to once we got the contract.  Flirtation was expected but I learned how to navigate without being insulting.  I was friendly but kept the conversation professional.  I felt like Joseph and these women were like Potipher’s wife.

Aside from that the overall work stress that was eating alive but I was slowly being conquered by God’s Word.

Some History

Prior to starting my own business I had three bosses in the course of 14 years.  Eventually my last boss fired me, which I had seen coming.  His concept of growing plants was completely different than mine.  I believed in pruning the plants to shape them, he believed in letting nature shape the plants which was something I could not do.  I had developed a reputation as a quality oriented grower and I was not going to let my boss change that even if it meant losing the job.  With a good reputation I could always get another one.  It never occurred to me that I would end up starting my own business.  I may have thought twice about my reputation.

New World

Starting a business from nothing was a whole new world that I knew nothing about.  I had to learn quick, our house payment was coming due and the girls were growing so our grocery bills were increasing.  My guilt once again became buried, which in a sense was good.  I knocked on doors, homes, and businesses with poor landscapes, sending out a professional looking letter introducing myself to property managers, following up with phone calls etc.. Hustling jobs, getting known and billing were things I had never done before and they became the new challenges I faced daily.

My lunch time was when I got recharged and took a break from the daily fight.  Our marriage got a little better as Lisa realized this was a team effort, and I needed her help.

Finally, as I got closer to 40, I became strong enough to face the two biggest monsters in my life; fear of not getting jobs and the inability to forgive myself.  I told the Lord (as mentioned in the last Vida) that I was going to trust Him and to bring me work and stop allowing fear to control me.  Proverbs 3:4-5 became my stake in the ground, and the armor I wore when fear came calling.  I went back and remembered that confused fear filled little boy and I forgave him.  He did nothing wrong!  He was just being an adventuresome little boy with no concept of danger or death.

I’m Forgiven ( Ephesians 2:4&5)

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”

For the first time I felt whole.  The heavy burden that I had carried for so many years was gone.  I could breath.  It was an incredible feeling!  God finally went deep enough inside me that His Grace reached the hidden fears of insecurity and unforgiveness.  I came home that day feeling like Superman.  I was bullet proof.  The internal battles were now finally conquered, from now on the battles were going to be coming from the outside, and I was ready for them….

The Lesson

People will say “Oh I know that God loves me,” but their life does not show His love.  They are easily offended, lack grace and kindness, especially in the rough spots of life.  Anybody can be nice when life is going their way.  However in the hard times, how are we?  Are we hard to get along with, do we blame others for our problems, do we have a temper or do we demonstrate joy, peace, and a sense of calmness overall?

His love and knowing Him doesn’t prevent hard times from coming.  His love gives us the confidence we need to go through the hard times.  Stress or pain, or heartache is sure to come.  He is there.  Much like crutches help us when we break a leg.  A broken heart still hurts, but because of His love there is healing on its way.  How would we ever know the love of God if our struggles didn’t force us to Him?

Left to ourselves we would indulge ourselves.  That is just the reality of our flesh.  Struggles prove that indulgences are not the answer.  Indulgence does not prevent hardship, and at times they may even cause them.  We need a God that can forgive, heal, grant wisdom, and give comfort in those difficult times.  His presence (The Holy Spirit) is the best hug you will ever feel.

Hardships that cause us to discover Him.  They are absolutely necessary to tear our hearts away from this world and discover His.

If we truly are in relationship with God and experiencing His Love, then it is absolutely impossible to remain the same.  We will be changing, for God’s Love is a positive forward moving force that changes us.

Also we do not “know” God’s love until we experience it for ourselves.  People can tell you their story, as I told you mine, or the pastor can teach on it, but until it’s your story it’s impossible to really know.  People will say that I am such a nice guy and they think that is my personality.  That is so far from the truth.  I am this way because His Love was shed abroad in my heart (Romans 5:5) and it changed me and it continues to change me.

His love gives us a second, third, fourth chance on life.  His love puts kindness and concern in my heart towards others.  To live as such is how it must have been before sin entered.  The separation that sin has caused has been the single greatest cancer on man.  But it has been conquered via the Cross and we have been reunited to our Father, Amen!

There’s a great saving that says, “ a great relationship is made up of two great forgivers.”  That is true on a human level, but it is absolutely true on a heavenly level.  I can forgive because I have been forgiven.  Because of the clean slate that has been offered to me, by the only One that had an absolute right to condemn me, who I’m I to not forgive my fellow man?

Father,

Thank you for this study.  I pray that by sharing our struggles that others who are struggling can see Your faithfulness to me.  For without Your Holy Spirit guiding and helping me I surely would have stumbled.  So thank you for your ever present help in time of need. As your Word says, “ Resist the Devil and He will flee.”  And we resist by quoting the Word to His lies, as you did in your wilderness temptations.  Thank you for this example that we too can follow. In Jesus name Amen.

Move Forward In His Grace – Arthur