Month: December 2024

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Marriage, Doing It Gods Way – Part III

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth (Agape – God’s love) is born of God, and knoweth God. 

1 John 4:7 

Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up — his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 

Ecclesiastic 4:9 &10

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

**Agape is the supreme love of the four different types of love. There’s Eros, passionate love, stroge, family love, Phileo, when in love, and Agape. A supreme love that loves unconditionally, with no expectations; these words are used in Greek and scripture. It is humanly impossible to Agape others unless one is yielded and filled with the Holy Spirit; even then, it’s challenging. As we mature in Christ, Agape deepens, becoming more permanent, and we find our anchor and security in that. There is nothing more prized in scripture than for one to abide in His love. 

As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. – John 15:9-11

Currently, I am living out the truth of Ecclesiastics. I injured myself on a hillside landscape, having herniated a disc and having a vertebrae slip, which greatly limits my mobility; the pain that shoots down my right leg feels like fire. Those of you who have dealt with this or have had Sciatica concerns know what I mean. Icing several times a day allows me some movement and relief from the pain, and hence I am able to work. Nonetheless, it is very debilitating. I stand like a stork on one leg and walk with the assistance of a walker. I am getting early practice for when I turn 80. 

To get relief from the pain, I lift my right leg onto the seat of the walker, which definitely brings relief. I’m sure I’m quite a sight. When I get home from work, my wife and granddaughter have a much fuller plate. They are tasked with the chores that I normally do, e.g., taking out the trash, to name one, which bothers me so much. Yet I see the wisdom of these verses. Having people that love you, helping you, really helps. In His wisdom, God intended marriage and family to be a union where each member is committed to the others.

That being said, this period in my life is quite a switch. I used to come alongside them and help them with their tasks, butnow they are helping me. So I only share this to say that it is worth every effort to stay married and work on your marriage so family life benefits all members. It saddens me greatly when the kids tell the father to divorce their mother and take them with him. Maybe a separation for prayer and fasting only, a chance to think and pray about it. I know myeldest daughter felt it would be better for Lisa and me to separate; she felt we would be happier. 

I don’t know now if she remembers telling me that 28 years ago (she was 14 then, she’s 42 now), but she is now reaping the benefits of me abiding by God’s Word and not listening to her, for we are raising her daughter. We are going on our tenth year; we’ve had her since she was two, and she’s 11 1/2 now. Both Lisa and I are “all hands on deck” in raising her; a second wife or husband would not nearly be as committed to Shawnee, especially if they have children of their own, and raising her has brought all of us closer. 

God says He hates, not dislikes, but hates divorce. So, if God hates it, there must be a reason for it, even if I don’t see it or understand it. This is where faith “works” because it’s not easy, and it takes dying to self to obey the Lord. The expression “I shouldn’t have to put up with this, I deserve better,” is saturated and dripping with pride. Sorry to say that, but it’s true. All I can say is I am grateful beyond measure that when Christ foresaw His whipping (39 lashes, 40 was the death sentence) and then the Cross, and then the separation He would experience from His Father, “My God, My God why have You forsaken me,” when the Father laid upon Him my sin and yours and the whole of humanity, I’m glad He didn’t say that He deserved better, aren’t you? A thousand years (approximately), Isaiah, via the Holy Spirit, wrote of The Cross. 

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised (hated), and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs(sin causes our griefs), and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted. But he was wounded(pierced) for our transgressions; he was bruised (crushed) for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes(His whippings), we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way, and the LORD hath laid on him — the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:3-6.

What did John The Baptist say of Christ when he saw Him? “Behold (take note, understand) The Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the World.” He became God’s sacrificial Lamb for us. The word “take” means to lift off, to take up. Interesting that it doesn’t mean to take away. He lifted off our sin as the Father placed it on His Son. All sin, as gross as this sounds, requires a blood sacrifice to be atoned for.

It’s a huge offense to a Holy, Holy God. It can’t just be swept under the rug, so rather us paying for our sins and being damned for Eternity, God provided His own sacrifice in the Person and Body of His Only Son, The Lord Jesus Christ. There are foreshadowings of Christ in the Old Testament. If you know what to look for, here’s one. 

And Isaac spoke unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the Lamb for a burnt offering?

And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of themtogether. Genesis:28:7&8 

So here’s a question: If we have all turned to our own ways, why does God hold His Son responsible? I will let you think about that. 

For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away (divorce): for one covereth his garment with violence, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously Malachi 2:16 (in God’s mind divorce is an act of violence; the rejection one feels through a divorce is as if one was raped). 

Don’t say to your spouse, “If you could change in this area, we would get along better,” which might be very true, but also seek change within your own self. Say, “Father God, what can I change that would make me more like You? How can I exemplify more of Your love, Your peace, and Your wisdom to my wife/husband and kids? Help me to sow seeds of truth within my marriage and family, and by doing so, it becomes a win-win for everyone. And be patient; so many of the problems start with us. Being so flawed, it takes time to allow the Holy Spirit access into the major rooms of our heart, especially the secret rooms that, unbeknownst to us, contaminate the whole house.

If you want a “shortcut” to spiritual growth and you are willing to endure the cost, start praying for humility. This prayer, said in earnest, puts you closest to the Father’s heart, and He will answer it. 

If we were fortunate enough to have good parents who valued us above their careers, then we would be most blessed. Normally, as we grow up, we grow up with insecurities, fears, feelings of unlove, etc., and parents are busy with their own careers. Unknowingly, we are teaching our kids that work is more important—a terrible and injurious message that just soaks into their little souls and becomes part of the fiber of their being. 

If you are unknowingly doing this, please find time to turn work off each day. I work a lot of hours, but at 5:30 pm, I leave (starting at 7), working 5 1/2 to 6 days. These are the hours the Lord has assigned me, and what does not get done does not get done. It requires me to greatly depend upon the Lord to help me be as efficient and effective as possible, and He does help me. However, He also stresses me by allowing my work to get right up to the due date, and then He comes through. 

My week never goes as I plan it; there are always interruptions upon interruptions, but such is life.

Now, back to family. Being a grandparent and raising a second family brings joy and has its advantages (the disadvantage is your energy level). You are calmer and internally stronger, and you just love these little souls (our other daughter has two). You are more mature in yourself and your career (I’ve been the owner and manager of Executive Care Landscape now for 32 years.) and in your faith. We have had UPS and DOWNS… and through it all, especially the downs, The Lord has taught me that He is faithful and can be trusted implicitly. After you have learned that lesson a few hundred times, life becomes more like an adventure.

Like sailing, you can enjoy the winds that would normally capsize you, but because you have learned how to position yourself, they now propel you forward.

We all seek a successful and loving marriage. However, the reality of marriage is it is a struggle. You have two adults, and or just one, that was wounded as a child. The son, now a man, could have had an overbearing father who showed his disapproval when his son dropped the football or missed the basket. Or a daughter who was not as attractive as her girlfriends who came over to the house, and the father made over them but ignored his own daughter. There are many, many scenarios, absent parents because of work is another common one, so it is a wonder that our kids turn out at all. 

If this devotion is convincing you, you probably also feel condemnation that you failed or failed as a parent. You are hearing two voices. You must not listen to the condemning voice, for that is not of the Lord. The convicting feeling, which seeks to draw you to repentance and seek help from the Lord, is the Lord’s voice. 

There is, therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit (we seek obedience to Christ). For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1&2

As you surrender to Him, obeying and following Him, He will begin to heal your wounds. He wants to draw you unto Himself; till you know and sense His love for you. Once He has reached you, giving you hope, He wants to work through you to help you reach your family, helping you to undo the wrong that has been sown into their souls. Today, ask the Lord to forgive you for putting other things before Him, and acknowledge to Him that you need His love (we all do so desperately and do not know that is in itself spiritual and emotional blindness). Start spending time every day reading His Word (Bible); I read during my lunch hour. This begins our emotional and spiritual healing, and so, in time, we can become agents of healing.

If you commit to this, know that all hell will break out. That’s how you know you’re on the right track (sorry to say that, but it’s absolutely true). 

Stay with it, stay committed, and things will calm down in time. Your resolve is being tested. Soldiers are not built on the plains of ease and comfort but in the storms and deserts of life that try your every fiber. Through this period, you will feel failure and guilt. Again, these are not God’s mode of working with His kids; conviction and love are. Guilt, shame, blame, confusion, etc., are in satan’s bag of tricks, not God’s. As you see me add specific verses to back up my points, you can also google what the Bible says about what you are struggling with. I put these verses in my phone and tape them to my bathroom mirror and my truck’s dash. 

The more you know what God’s Word says about a specific struggle, the sooner you will defeat it. Some struggles disappear as you apply God’s Word, and some come back (repeat), but now you have God’s Word in you, and victory comes more readily. That’s how we grow.

Weight lifting builds muscle because it’s based on resistance. Pushing against the weights builds the muscles. Soon, you can add more weight as you are consistent in your workouts and grow in strength. 

That’s life with the Holy Spirit; responding to life’s challenges in a Godly manner, leading by faith (God’s Word) instead of emotion, is a good sign that you are growing in your faith. There are believers who have been going to church for their whole lives, yet in knowing the truth, they are still baby Christians.  Don’t be like that. Paul had to admonish the Hebrew and Corinthian churches for this. 

Of whom we have many things to say, and hard to be uttered, seeing ye are dull of hearing. For by now you should all be teachers, ye still have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk (likening the churches to suckling babes), and not of strong (nutritious) meat. For every one that useth milk is unskillful in the word of righteousness ( the scriptures); for he is a babe. Hebrews 5:11-13

Remember these three practices and do them, and you will not be “babes” in your faith. Reading (plus memorization), prayer, and fellowship are all necessary aspects of growing your faith. You must do all three, not two of the three, but all three. 

But he giveth more Grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud but giveth Grace (strength, insight, victory) unto the humble. Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist (stand against in faith, quoting scripture) the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:6&7

I can think of no better Christmas gift than to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us, bring Christ’s love into our marriage and family (make it a goal and a prayer), and press forward. The outcome is well worth it, beyond words. And to the degree that I have attained it (His fellowship is so sweet), I have more to attain, too. So, I strongly encourage you to press forward. 

“The High Calling of God”

It is not as though I had already attained or were already perfect, but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which I am also apprehended by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of God’s high calling in Christ Jesus.

** Press- the picture is of runners coming close to the finish line, almost in a dead heat, but the one that presses the hardest will win. Life is tough as a believer; you are running against the way you are wired, your carnal mind (which we all have), and society’s Christian values. These are at war against the spirit man (woman) that is seeking God’s Righteousness in you. The Spirit Man will absolutely win if we continue to feed it. Just like lifting weights, it increases our strength and ability to overcome. 

Merry Christmas! I can think of no better Christmas we can give to our family and ourselves than to put our walk with Christ first in our lives. Remember, Christmas is because of Him.

Father, 

Thank you for this deep study into our life and marriage, the most scarce relationship we can have next to our relationship with You. Help us honor it as you planned.

Thank you, and Amen,

Your son by Grace,

Arthur

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Vida4U “ Marriage By God’s Design” Part I

Genesis 2:18

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.

Genesis 2:21-24

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And — the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave( separate from) — his father and — his mother, and shall cleave( bond too) unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I hope and trust that the last Vida helped. As the family unit is under attack, life’s ” ugliness ” is exposed. More identity crisis, a deep insecurity that leads to children and adults taking abnormal risks for acceptance, more pregnancies and abortions, more men breaking their vows to their wives, more unhappy wives, and children left to raise themselves, etc., etc., the underbelly of immorality and self-gratification is not victimless.

Let me tell you a true story. A wife sought the advice of a divorce attorney. She hated her husband and could not wait to divorce him, but she just didn’t want to divorce him. She wanted to hurt him in the process. So she asked the attorney for some ideas, and the attorney thought for a while, then finally devised a plan. He was excited and proud about it because he knew it would work. He said to his client, for the next 3 months, compliment him, fake it, but really build him up and tell him what a good husband and father he is, what a good provider and hard worker.  

Also, tell him about his character, that he is kind and thoughtful, and tell him how he makes you feel secure, and that he’s more handsome than ever, then at the end of 3 months, stick it to him. Tell him it was all just lies, an act, and you really can’t stand him, and you wanted a divorce for months. That would hurt him; if I were him, it would devastate me. So they agreed to the plan, and the wife went to work. Time passed, and at about the 3-month , the attorney called and said, “How’s it going? Are you ready to divorce him now?” 

Her response was, “Are you kidding me? That was great advice; I’ve never loved him more. We just booked our second honeymoon cruise.” The attorney, without intent to solve his client’s problem with her marriage, solved it. Each action produces its consequences; criticism produces division, and praise produces union. 

We are so quick to criticize and see the other person’s fault rather than find something they do well and praise that. We are kinder to a campfire than we are to each other.  If you ever started a campfire, whatever flicker of a flame you start, you do not put water on it; you fan it until it becomes a self-sustaining fire in which you can cook your food and warm yourself. That which you sustained now sustains you. An important point to remember when dealing with relationships. 

There is an absolute way to make a marriage work when you understand how God made men and women, but first, we must understand ourselves. Fallen from grace, in rebellion towards God, our sinful nature cares for no one but itself. It’s scary to be this honest with yourself. Many of us cannot see it. I know my mom could never believe it herself, being raised by her pastor’s dad, who instilled within them as the pastor’s kids that they always had to be right. 

To admit any degree of imperfection was beyond her, she simply could not accept it. In saying that, I am not trying to be insulting to my mom; I loved her and understood her, nor am I trying to be insulting or offensive to you, talking so bluntly about our sinful nature. I believe these things about myself. In my carnal man, I’m first. Even when I do something good, it’s to get something in return, either praise from others or to feel good about myself. Doing good is a natural high because we are commanded to love our neighbor and derive emotional benefit from it. We get a sense of self-satisfaction by being benevolent and doing the right thing. If we didn’t get that, or say it cost us emotionally and or financially, I wonder how many of us would continue? 

Everything I just shared has been painful lessons about myself. God showing me how I really am apart from Him. It’s not a pretty picture; I am a lot of smoke and mirrors, excuses and rationalizations. I am so grateful for Christ. He knows the truth about me, and still loving me is amazing in itself, but then giving me His Holy Spirit that brings the promise of change is like a bonus on top of a bonus. Paul put it this way. 

Romans 7:15-25

For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.

Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.

For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now, if I do that, I would not; it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

So, do you see the problem with two people in “love,” living under the same roof and experiencing life’s challenges? It is like being in a pressure cooker together; someone or both are going to get overcooked. Some people were fortunate enough to be raised by parents who exemplified a loving relationship and loved them, and that’s the biggest gift a parent can give their kids. These “kids” meet and marry; they have the best chances of having a good marriage. However, there still is the problem of our sinful nature. We still have “self” to deal with, other people’s issues, temptations, and the stress of life, etc., to name a few, but this is the best that there is outside of Christ. 

Romans 8:5-10

For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now, if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his (just because we go to church does not make us Christian; see John 3:16) 

And if Christ be in you (the key to salvation), the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

So, is it possible to have a good marriage? Yes, but beyond that, a good marriage is the result and effect of a growing relationship with Christ. Apples are the fruit from an apple tree, but how does the tree develop the fruit? One is the way God made it, but two, it is by getting enough sun, water, fertilizer, and pruning. So our fruit comes from abiding in Christ. It is upright character, forgiveness, kindness, peace, joy, etc., in the Holy Spirit, which is key to a marriage beyond human will.

Galatians 5:22-24

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such, there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh (crucifying – ongoing) with the affections and lusts.

So marriage is very doable and joyful when done in Christ, but it starts with us as individuals. 

John 15:4

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me (bottom line).

So these are the foundations of a Christ-centered marriage, starting with a Christ-centered life. To the degree Christ has His way in me is to the degree that my life and marriage will thrive (or suffer). And much patience is required as we all grow in Christ. We will have growing pains; we are all a work in progress. Yet to go anywhere else ( meaning to abandon Christ) or believe anything else is simply a waste of time and energy. So start here, remain here (working through our problems), and finish here. This is step one; step two is to understand how both men and women were made. 

The man was made to lead. However, some men have been so beaten down by their father or mother that they just as soon give that responsibility to their wives.  That is a whole different topic, and much healing is needed to restore confidence back into him, but again it starts with Christ and ends with Christ, and all the pain and work in the middle is resolved by knowing Christ and having brothers or sisters (men with men, women with women) walk with the injured brother or sister. 

So, as men, we respond best to respect. Respect and sexual intimacy are a love language. On the other hand, the woman wants to feel appreciated, so she values thoughtful care and affection throughout the week, not just on those special nights. These are very important truths; they are the “Big concepts” under which everything else we do for our spouse fits. Underneath each Big Concept are individual behaviors tailored to the specific person. Respect for the man is not just found in doing his requests. I don’t want to feel that I’m married to a robot, but to a partner, that we are on the same page, sharing the same goals. And for women, they love words like, I cherish you, I value you, you’re a great wife and mother, I love hugging you as we go to bed. All these words are wonderful, but they must come with specific actions that back them up, or they may be more hurtful than helpful. 

We, as men, think sex is affection, and it is a part of affection, but affection is so much broader. It is the accumulation of a week of affectionate actions, hugs, kisses, considerations, holding hands, and conversations that lead up to intimacy. There’s “sex,” referring to the action; then there’s intimacy, referring to sex and everything that leads up to it. It is the interaction of two people’s souls who are committed to each other. Intimacy is bigger, wider, and deeper than just sex.

Intimacy makes sex fulfilling; sex doesn’t make intimacy fulfilling. Sex can either be a quick 10-minute encounter, or it can be however long it lasts as each beholds the other in a hugging embrace. It’s a huge difference. One action fills the cup, while the other, the woman, can often feel used. Men, we don’t want that. In appreciating your wife, we want to make sure that she does not feel used. It may be the reason why some women are coined as being “frigid” or “cool” when it comes to sex. Turn that around so she feels valued and her needs are met, and I can guarantee you that those words will never be used to describe your wife again. I am so sure of this because that is how the man and the woman are made. 

Ephesians 5:22-26

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:25 

Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

Part of the reason we have martial disunity is that women are offended by verse 22. “I am not going to submit to him, he’s not better than me!” I get it, it is easy to be offended, but no one says anything about him being better. Submit is simply a military term denoting a place or position. The man is the head not because he’s better but because God has designed him emotionally, physically, and mentally to fulfill that role. Now, he can’t do it without God’s intervention, just as the woman can’t fulfill her role without God’s intervention. 

So as a woman, to rebel against this is to rebel against God’s order and to not understand that God loves you just as much. God does not love the man more because He makes him the head. No part of the word submit speaks of quality, as in being superior as Christ served us, so we are to serve one another. God is a God of order, laying out the family’s order or structure. The man’s role is to submit to God first, and then from that position, he can love his wife and children. Otherwise, he is too selfish. 

The woman in submission to the Lord first finds the Grace to submit to her husband (being able to love him through and in spite of his faults) and love her children. Otherwise, everything suffers, especially the children. Each spouse is held accountable to the Lord for how they perform their duties. Ultimately, we are all in submission to the Lord, for they are His commands. 

Ephesians 5:20-21

Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

We will need a part II to discuss problems. For example, how do you know you married the right person? Maybe you started off in love, but now it’s gone, or it’s become a working relationship, etc. I will remind you of the story we started off with, but we need to talk more. Until then (about a month), fail not to seek the Lord. Any distance between a real relationship with God and a religious approach to God will clearly be seen in your life and marriage.

Matthew 22:37-38 (a forward for next time).

“– Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

This is the first and great commandment.” Great, here is the word Mega, meaning to stand apart, as in superior to everything and anything else. For example, you are doing good at your job and getting promoted, and that’s really good, but how are you doing with loving the Lord? That’s the first and greatest. You’re a great mom; everyone praises your talent and efficiency, and that’s good. Praise the Lord for the gifts He’s given you, but how are you doing with loving the Lord? All our problems stem from disobeying God’s perfect will and order. 

Get back to the starting point and don’t leave till you do business with God and get step one right. If you do not balance your checking account this month, do you think it will balance 5 months from now? Of course not, it will only be worse. Well, that’s how many of us live our lives, and we wonder what’s happening. We first need to be right with Him, starting with John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Father, 

Thank you for this insightful and convicting devotional. Help us step up to the plate, knowing that nothing but good will come from it. 

Thank you for loving us so much. You tell us how to find success in our marriages and lives. 

In Your Name, Your Son by Grace, 

Arthur