I hope by now, being the 5th series in Marriage by God’s Design, that the understanding of a “complete and growing marriage” must involve the Lord. Marriage By God’s Design is a series that has focused more on our relationship with the Lord than our spouse; it makes sense, no, since He is our Creator and the Creator of marriage.
If I were to put marital success into percentages, I would put 70 percent between the Lord and me and 30% between Lisa and me. Why? If we take the Bible’s approach to man’s dilemma, we find that man is depraved. We will partake in it if given the opportunity between righteousness and sinfulness, fleeing temptation or partaking in it. Whether in our minds or doing the deed, we are intrinsically bent on self-gratification. If we are honest and have the spiritual ability to read our motives (because it is not easy to see and understand how our insecurities and selfish motives drive us), we will see how great our need is for The Lord. All of our conflicts occur because of our sinful nature. God makes a very sad comment about a man in Genesis.
And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great on earth and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only continually evil. And it repented the LORD that he had made — man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart Gen 6:5&6 (Amazing statement, God foresaw this, that there would be a day that He would regret making us, yet knowing this He was still willing to feel the pain because He knew that The Cross and our faith in Christ would bring the remedy to man’s sin nature. Such Amazing Love.
Today, many of us think that being good is what God requires. I trust those of you who have been reading Vida for a while know this is notue. Our standard of what we consider good is far from God’s definition of salvation. To God, us being good is not His concern; His concern is us being forgiven, saved, and sanctified. His whole time spent here teaching, healing, and suffering wasn’t so that we could be good.
Good doesn’t bring us into a relationship with Him; accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior does. Then, growing in Faith (reading the Bible) follows. It is the only thing God wants.
In this relationship with Him, we are to receive His love for us, not try to earn it, which is counter-cultural. Very few things in this life are just given. Yet this enormous Gift, God’s Love found in His Grace towards us, which is God’s unmerited favor which was the Path Jesus took to Redeem us, is so “other than,” so outside our thinking that it could only be a gift. It could never be earned. It’s like trying to earn the right to be adopted by the King when we are street orphans and beggars.
What do we have to offer, what could we possibly bring to the table to cause Him to take interest in us? What reason or reasons could the King have in making us His own? There is none, except He created us, and hence, as a Father, has compassion towards His children, so He had/has compassion on us. And as sin sought to ravage us, He, through The Cross, took our sins upon Himself, paying our ransom in full. His Love found the way through the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Christ.
The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3
And you, being dead (spiritually, because of )your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together ( made alive) with him, having forgiven you all trespasses; Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross; Col. 2:13-15
To fully understand this takes some serious growing, but it is worth it. In turn, we take His compassion that we are loved with and love our spouse and family (Lk 6:38 refers to tithing, but it shows us how God seeks to give to us). When we do this, we make our marriage divorce-proof, and not only that, it brings life into our marriage, which strengthens the family. This love, God’s love, calls Agape; it is impossible for us but not for the Holy Spirit in us. However, there are some cautions.
“And grieve not (through disobedience) the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed (sealed or guarded) unto the day of Redemption (Eph.4:30). Personal letters from the King were sealed with wax, and then his ring was pressed into the wax giving importance and weight to the letter, this is us. We are a love letter from the Son of God to His Father, kept by the Holy Spirit, that we are being written upon (sanctified) and read by others via our time here.And though we have been redeemed (redeemed means to be purchased) when we accepted Him, the fullness or completeness of our Redemption doesn’t happen till we receive our glorified bodies, when we are fully “read” or enjoyed by the Father.
When we try to change ourselves without allowing God’s Word and His Spirit to change us, it’s like putting new clothes on a homeless person. We may look nicer on the outside, but we are still the same person, homeless, and nothing has changed. It won’t take long before the new clothes are dirty and torn.
That ye put off (take off, undress) concerning the former conversation( the old way of life) the old man, which is corrupt (defiled) according to the deceitful lusts (so easy to fool ourselves), but rather be renewed in the spirit of your mind (which only the Holy Spirit can do), And that ye put on the new man which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness (which is true fulfillment). Wherefore, putting away lying, speak every man’s truth with his neighbor: for we are one of another. Eph. 4:22-25 (the only way the new man or woman is put on is through obedience, accepting Christ, and following His ways).
Spending time in His Word, and whatever problems we have, such as anger, worry, abandonment, lust, etc., God’s Word has a verse or verses about it. For example, if we have abandonment issues, our dad left us a lot as children, or we never knew him, the Lord’s Prayer is one of many truths we can find comfort, assurance, and victory. Jesus told the disciples when they pray should pray as such, “Our Father who is in Heaven (Matt. 6:9-13), etc. “Our Father”, yours and mine, so allow this truth to sink in, pray over it, meditate upon it, reference the scriptures, and watch healing and consequent closeness come and mend the distance you feel between you and God. Therefore, whatever our problems are, we need to memorize specific scriptures that address them (now, with goggles, it’s so easy to look up Bible verses.
You can spend hundreds of dollars on a therapist or memorize God’s Word. Between the Word of God, the Holy Spirit in you, and the counsel of a mature brother or sister (or a genuine and growing Christian therapist, always the same sex), you will become healed and freed.
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Eph.4:31- 32 (these maladies of our flesh fracture us; as long as they remain and dominate, we will not have peace or wholeness. They are the enemies within).
These are our instructions, and to obey them means we remain married and inconvenience our flesh as we grow in Christ. I’m convinced this is a big part of why God instituted marriage; we are forced to deal with our flesh, and as we do, we grow in righteousness, which absolutely pleases Him. Therefore, Marriage is not open to divorce with the exception oftwo reasons. If there has been infidelity(Matt. 5:32), or if the nonbeliever wants to leave (1 Cor.7). If the nonbeliever wants to remain married, the believer is to honor that and not seek a Christian partner (but pray for your spouse to be saved). If it’s in you to forgive your partner, understanding that in many cases, infidelity is an “us” problem, not just a “you” problem, you can begin the process of rebuilding your marriage.
I firmly believe God would have the marriage to continue, provided genuine repentance is seen. However, things must change so the weak believer doesn’t fall again. Just like crunches and a cast help a broken leg to heal, so being accountable to a group of believers ( men with the man and women with the woman) is required, and the help and support of a Bible-teaching church are most needful. Do GO IT ALONE. The epidemic of divorced couples and broken families needs to stop, and it will take courage and self-sacrifice, just like Christ did for us.
We must be serious about growing our faith, which will cause the carnal man to begin to take a back seat, but it will be a fight. A broken dam is never as strong as one that has stayed intact. Only God can return the dam to its original state and strengthen it. The only way to fill the emptiness or loneliness inside you during this time is to seek to be loved by the Lord. His love is far superior to anything this world has to offer. Spending time with Him allows wounds to heal and weaknesses to be strengthened.
Next, we seek to love our partner as Christ loves us. There are several types of love in the Bible, all inferior to Agape, God’s love for us. Stroge is family love, which is very good, but some of the strongest hurts and castles built in the heart happen in families. Phileo is friendship love, which can be very similar to Stroge but has the same strengths and weaknesses. Then there is Eros, a love built on attraction. It is an alluring “love” (better said, lust), and it is shallow. This “love” is an epidemic in our society.
Just because I feel attracted to you is not a criterion for marrying you. “Good chemistry” does not equal a successful relationship; a genuine love for a successful marriage must go deeper. It’s like going to a costume party and finding someone there you are attracted to, but it’s just a costume. Well, that’s what being guided by the flesh is like. If your whole relationship is based on you getting the hots each time you meet and no deeper, not even good friends, the relationship will not last. We often mistake this lustful attraction for love. Yet after a few arguments, which will happen, it tends to tamp the fire down, if not completely out. We must find some common ground, or else the relationship dies. So we see that all these other loves have their weakness, there needs to be more.
Agape love is best illustrated in this verse, “For God so Agape you and me that He gave His only begotten Son ( John 3:16).”
This is true love: you act and live in such a way that you give to benefit the other person; in this case, it is your spouse. It is not about us, and we do it as unto doing to the Lord.
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance; for ye serve the Lord Christ( everything we do must tie back to our relationship to Christ) Col. 3:23&24
It doesn’t mean you are a doormat; no, it’s an intense love. It comes alongside your spouse when they are in error and helps them understand why, or it helps them in their weakness when they are trapped by lust, believing a lie, fearing, or worrying. You become the encourager, friend, or even the roadblock if necessary. You let them know that what they feel or want to do will hurt them.
However, this is most difficult, and without the Holy Spirit and knowing God’s Word, it could become grounds for a divorce. We need to make sure we are walking right with the Lord and not using this as an excuse to deal with the pet peeves we have with them. With prayer, it is possible, God becomes our guide, and we rely on Him for our words. We become advocates for God and always speak humbly and kindly. We can become an effective tool both in and out of the family. We are now “locking arms” with the Almighty. It’s ultimate strength, peace, and assurance.
A final word on infidelity. The Bible assigns parameters. We do not tolerate repeated unfaithfulness, we do not tolerate abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, and we do not withhold sexual intimacy as a means of leverage to get what we want. These injunctions are found in 1 Corinthians 7, and if you have concerns in any of these areas, I would encourage you to get pastoral counseling for same-sex sex.
To live a Godly life like this requires courage and a commitment to Christ; however, there is always victory when we trust the Lord.
**It is so that a thousand seven hundred and threescore (1,760 men) went out to the war. And they made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. And they were helped against them, and the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was entreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 1 Chronicles 5:19&20
Father,
Help us to understand clearly that there is nothing more important, enjoyable, or gives strength or the sense of being home than to abide with You. From that position of abiding, strength and faith will grow, and we can become useful to our spouse, family, and others. Our faith needs to be active and real, as natural as breathing.
Father, help us live out our new identity, act upon it, and start changing our lives, our families, and beyond.
Thank you, and Amen,
Arthur