Genesis 2:18
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.
Genesis 2:21-24
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And — the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave( separate from) — his father and — his mother, and shall cleave( bond too) unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I hope and trust that the last Vida helped. As the family unit is under attack, life’s ” ugliness ” is exposed. More identity crisis, a deep insecurity that leads to children and adults taking abnormal risks for acceptance, more pregnancies and abortions, more men breaking their vows to their wives, more unhappy wives, and children left to raise themselves, etc., etc., the underbelly of immorality and self-gratification is not victimless.
Let me tell you a true story. A wife sought the advice of a divorce attorney. She hated her husband and could not wait to divorce him, but she just didn’t want to divorce him. She wanted to hurt him in the process. So she asked the attorney for some ideas, and the attorney thought for a while, then finally devised a plan. He was excited and proud about it because he knew it would work. He said to his client, for the next 3 months, compliment him, fake it, but really build him up and tell him what a good husband and father he is, what a good provider and hard worker.
Also, tell him about his character, that he is kind and thoughtful, and tell him how he makes you feel secure, and that he’s more handsome than ever, then at the end of 3 months, stick it to him. Tell him it was all just lies, an act, and you really can’t stand him, and you wanted a divorce for months. That would hurt him; if I were him, it would devastate me. So they agreed to the plan, and the wife went to work. Time passed, and at about the 3-month , the attorney called and said, “How’s it going? Are you ready to divorce him now?”
Her response was, “Are you kidding me? That was great advice; I’ve never loved him more. We just booked our second honeymoon cruise.” The attorney, without intent to solve his client’s problem with her marriage, solved it. Each action produces its consequences; criticism produces division, and praise produces union.
We are so quick to criticize and see the other person’s fault rather than find something they do well and praise that. We are kinder to a campfire than we are to each other. If you ever started a campfire, whatever flicker of a flame you start, you do not put water on it; you fan it until it becomes a self-sustaining fire in which you can cook your food and warm yourself. That which you sustained now sustains you. An important point to remember when dealing with relationships.
There is an absolute way to make a marriage work when you understand how God made men and women, but first, we must understand ourselves. Fallen from grace, in rebellion towards God, our sinful nature cares for no one but itself. It’s scary to be this honest with yourself. Many of us cannot see it. I know my mom could never believe it herself, being raised by her pastor’s dad, who instilled within them as the pastor’s kids that they always had to be right.
To admit any degree of imperfection was beyond her, she simply could not accept it. In saying that, I am not trying to be insulting to my mom; I loved her and understood her, nor am I trying to be insulting or offensive to you, talking so bluntly about our sinful nature. I believe these things about myself. In my carnal man, I’m first. Even when I do something good, it’s to get something in return, either praise from others or to feel good about myself. Doing good is a natural high because we are commanded to love our neighbor and derive emotional benefit from it. We get a sense of self-satisfaction by being benevolent and doing the right thing. If we didn’t get that, or say it cost us emotionally and or financially, I wonder how many of us would continue?
Everything I just shared has been painful lessons about myself. God showing me how I really am apart from Him. It’s not a pretty picture; I am a lot of smoke and mirrors, excuses and rationalizations. I am so grateful for Christ. He knows the truth about me, and still loving me is amazing in itself, but then giving me His Holy Spirit that brings the promise of change is like a bonus on top of a bonus. Paul put it this way.
Romans 7:15-25
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now, if I do that, I would not; it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
So, do you see the problem with two people in “love,” living under the same roof and experiencing life’s challenges? It is like being in a pressure cooker together; someone or both are going to get overcooked. Some people were fortunate enough to be raised by parents who exemplified a loving relationship and loved them, and that’s the biggest gift a parent can give their kids. These “kids” meet and marry; they have the best chances of having a good marriage. However, there still is the problem of our sinful nature. We still have “self” to deal with, other people’s issues, temptations, and the stress of life, etc., to name a few, but this is the best that there is outside of Christ.
Romans 8:5-10
For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now, if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his (just because we go to church does not make us Christian; see John 3:16)
And if Christ be in you (the key to salvation), the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
So, is it possible to have a good marriage? Yes, but beyond that, a good marriage is the result and effect of a growing relationship with Christ. Apples are the fruit from an apple tree, but how does the tree develop the fruit? One is the way God made it, but two, it is by getting enough sun, water, fertilizer, and pruning. So our fruit comes from abiding in Christ. It is upright character, forgiveness, kindness, peace, joy, etc., in the Holy Spirit, which is key to a marriage beyond human will.
Galatians 5:22-24
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such, there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh (crucifying – ongoing) with the affections and lusts.
So marriage is very doable and joyful when done in Christ, but it starts with us as individuals.
John 15:4
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me (bottom line).
So these are the foundations of a Christ-centered marriage, starting with a Christ-centered life. To the degree Christ has His way in me is to the degree that my life and marriage will thrive (or suffer). And much patience is required as we all grow in Christ. We will have growing pains; we are all a work in progress. Yet to go anywhere else ( meaning to abandon Christ) or believe anything else is simply a waste of time and energy. So start here, remain here (working through our problems), and finish here. This is step one; step two is to understand how both men and women were made.
The man was made to lead. However, some men have been so beaten down by their father or mother that they just as soon give that responsibility to their wives. That is a whole different topic, and much healing is needed to restore confidence back into him, but again it starts with Christ and ends with Christ, and all the pain and work in the middle is resolved by knowing Christ and having brothers or sisters (men with men, women with women) walk with the injured brother or sister.
So, as men, we respond best to respect. Respect and sexual intimacy are a love language. On the other hand, the woman wants to feel appreciated, so she values thoughtful care and affection throughout the week, not just on those special nights. These are very important truths; they are the “Big concepts” under which everything else we do for our spouse fits. Underneath each Big Concept are individual behaviors tailored to the specific person. Respect for the man is not just found in doing his requests. I don’t want to feel that I’m married to a robot, but to a partner, that we are on the same page, sharing the same goals. And for women, they love words like, I cherish you, I value you, you’re a great wife and mother, I love hugging you as we go to bed. All these words are wonderful, but they must come with specific actions that back them up, or they may be more hurtful than helpful.
We, as men, think sex is affection, and it is a part of affection, but affection is so much broader. It is the accumulation of a week of affectionate actions, hugs, kisses, considerations, holding hands, and conversations that lead up to intimacy. There’s “sex,” referring to the action; then there’s intimacy, referring to sex and everything that leads up to it. It is the interaction of two people’s souls who are committed to each other. Intimacy is bigger, wider, and deeper than just sex.
Intimacy makes sex fulfilling; sex doesn’t make intimacy fulfilling. Sex can either be a quick 10-minute encounter, or it can be however long it lasts as each beholds the other in a hugging embrace. It’s a huge difference. One action fills the cup, while the other, the woman, can often feel used. Men, we don’t want that. In appreciating your wife, we want to make sure that she does not feel used. It may be the reason why some women are coined as being “frigid” or “cool” when it comes to sex. Turn that around so she feels valued and her needs are met, and I can guarantee you that those words will never be used to describe your wife again. I am so sure of this because that is how the man and the woman are made.
Ephesians 5:22-26
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Part of the reason we have martial disunity is that women are offended by verse 22. “I am not going to submit to him, he’s not better than me!” I get it, it is easy to be offended, but no one says anything about him being better. Submit is simply a military term denoting a place or position. The man is the head not because he’s better but because God has designed him emotionally, physically, and mentally to fulfill that role. Now, he can’t do it without God’s intervention, just as the woman can’t fulfill her role without God’s intervention.
So as a woman, to rebel against this is to rebel against God’s order and to not understand that God loves you just as much. God does not love the man more because He makes him the head. No part of the word submit speaks of quality, as in being superior as Christ served us, so we are to serve one another. God is a God of order, laying out the family’s order or structure. The man’s role is to submit to God first, and then from that position, he can love his wife and children. Otherwise, he is too selfish.
The woman in submission to the Lord first finds the Grace to submit to her husband (being able to love him through and in spite of his faults) and love her children. Otherwise, everything suffers, especially the children. Each spouse is held accountable to the Lord for how they perform their duties. Ultimately, we are all in submission to the Lord, for they are His commands.
Ephesians 5:20-21
Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
We will need a part II to discuss problems. For example, how do you know you married the right person? Maybe you started off in love, but now it’s gone, or it’s become a working relationship, etc. I will remind you of the story we started off with, but we need to talk more. Until then (about a month), fail not to seek the Lord. Any distance between a real relationship with God and a religious approach to God will clearly be seen in your life and marriage.
Matthew 22:37-38 (a forward for next time).
“– Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.” Great, here is the word Mega, meaning to stand apart, as in superior to everything and anything else. For example, you are doing good at your job and getting promoted, and that’s really good, but how are you doing with loving the Lord? That’s the first and greatest. You’re a great mom; everyone praises your talent and efficiency, and that’s good. Praise the Lord for the gifts He’s given you, but how are you doing with loving the Lord? All our problems stem from disobeying God’s perfect will and order.
Get back to the starting point and don’t leave till you do business with God and get step one right. If you do not balance your checking account this month, do you think it will balance 5 months from now? Of course not, it will only be worse. Well, that’s how many of us live our lives, and we wonder what’s happening. We first need to be right with Him, starting with John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Father,
Thank you for this insightful and convicting devotional. Help us step up to the plate, knowing that nothing but good will come from it.
Thank you for loving us so much. You tell us how to find success in our marriages and lives.
In Your Name, Your Son by Grace,
Arthur